There are many uses for my 12 year old's ponytail holders.

I feel like a fucking fat fucktard.  It's just a feeling, and it will pass.  Please don't patronize me with your "You're not fat" comments.  They make me want to hurl.  I'm not trying to be mean; You just don't live in my body.  You don't stand in front of a mirror all day/every work day.  I have ONE pair of jeans that fits.  I also have a pair of lightweight khakis and a pair or dark brown cargo pants.  I hate wearing stuff like that because they make me fell like I should work at Homo Depot or something.  Anyway....I have three long sleeve shirts that will actually fit around my rib cage--it's not even my stomach, it's my ribs!  I just get so thick.  There was a week that I actually wore that ONE pair of jeans 4 days in a row.  How sad is that?  It's not that I can't afford to buy new clothes.  It's that I can't find a size 40x30 jeans and a 2XL shirt in our wonderful Central Mall.  The stores that I generally shop in don't carry my "advanced" size in the store, but it's usually available on-line.  I don't want to always have to shop on-line.  Just because I'm heavier, doesn't mean that I can't or don't want to feel sexy/attractive/hott. 

I am working on this problem.  But we all want instant gratification.  I've eaten better for the past three days, and done a bit of exercise, so why can't I fit into my size 38x30 jeans?  I know it takes time.  I know it's a long process.  I've done it before.  I lived a healthy/fit live for 10 years or so.  I think that's what makes this process so difficult.  I've been there, I've done it.  When I was 19, I transformed my ALMOST 300lb body for flab, into a fit, tight 185.  Yes, I was TOO thin at 180.  I could fit into a size 31.  I looked like a bobble head that you'd see stuck to the dashboard of Sharoniqua's Oldsmobile Delta 88.  Eventually, I evened out at about 190-195.  I lived there comfortably for 8 years. 

I got lazy.  I started eating again--ALOT.  I got lazy.  I met John. I got lazy. I fell in Love.  I got lazy.  I became part of a family.  I got lazy.  I hurt my ankle.  I got lazy.  I hurt my back.  I got REALLY lazy.  Things that were once important to me, took a back seat to other important things.  I have an excuse every morning when the alarm goes off at "workout time".  "I" wasn't important to myself anymore.  I'm happy.  I'm not depressed.  I like my life.  I just wish I wasn't fat. 

I know things will get better.  I just have to make sure that I make myself a priority again.  I have to figure out how to make everything fit into the schedule.  It's a delicate balancing act.  I can do it.

I tried on those size 38 jeans earlier, and used our 12 year old's pony tail holder to fasten them--like a pregnant woman.  I almost had myself convinced that I could actually wear them like that, since I wear an apron all day. 

It's my journey.  This is my life.

Thanks for listening.  I feel better. 

PJM