I feel like a fucking fat fucktard. It's just a feeling, and it will pass. Please don't patronize me with your "You're not fat" comments. They make me want to hurl. I'm not trying to be mean; You just don't live in my body. You don't stand in front of a mirror all day/every work day. I have ONE pair of jeans that fits. I also have a pair of lightweight khakis and a pair or dark brown cargo pants. I hate wearing stuff like that because they make me fell like I should work at Homo Depot or something. Anyway....I have three long sleeve shirts that will actually fit around my rib cage--it's not even my stomach, it's my ribs! I just get so thick. There was a week that I actually wore that ONE pair of jeans 4 days in a row. How sad is that? It's not that I can't afford to buy new clothes. It's that I can't find a size 40x30 jeans and a 2XL shirt in our wonderful Central Mall. The stores that I generally shop in don't carry my "advanced" size in the store, but it's usually available on-line. I don't want to always have to shop on-line. Just because I'm heavier, doesn't mean that I can't or don't want to feel sexy/attractive/hott.
I am working on this problem. But we all want instant gratification. I've eaten better for the past three days, and done a bit of exercise, so why can't I fit into my size 38x30 jeans? I know it takes time. I know it's a long process. I've done it before. I lived a healthy/fit live for 10 years or so. I think that's what makes this process so difficult. I've been there, I've done it. When I was 19, I transformed my ALMOST 300lb body for flab, into a fit, tight 185. Yes, I was TOO thin at 180. I could fit into a size 31. I looked like a bobble head that you'd see stuck to the dashboard of Sharoniqua's Oldsmobile Delta 88. Eventually, I evened out at about 190-195. I lived there comfortably for 8 years.
I got lazy. I started eating again--ALOT. I got lazy. I met John. I got lazy. I fell in Love. I got lazy. I became part of a family. I got lazy. I hurt my ankle. I got lazy. I hurt my back. I got REALLY lazy. Things that were once important to me, took a back seat to other important things. I have an excuse every morning when the alarm goes off at "workout time". "I" wasn't important to myself anymore. I'm happy. I'm not depressed. I like my life. I just wish I wasn't fat.
I know things will get better. I just have to make sure that I make myself a priority again. I have to figure out how to make everything fit into the schedule. It's a delicate balancing act. I can do it.
I tried on those size 38 jeans earlier, and used our 12 year old's pony tail holder to fasten them--like a pregnant woman. I almost had myself convinced that I could actually wear them like that, since I wear an apron all day.
It's my journey. This is my life.
Thanks for listening. I feel better.
PJM
