I feel like a fucking fat fucktard. It's just a feeling, and it will pass. Please don't patronize me with your "You're not fat" comments. They make me want to hurl. I'm not trying to be mean; You just don't live in my body. You don't stand in front of a mirror all day/every work day. I have ONE pair of jeans that fits. I also have a pair of lightweight khakis and a pair or dark brown cargo pants. I hate wearing stuff like that because they make me fell like I should work at Homo Depot or something. Anyway....I have three long sleeve shirts that will actually fit around my rib cage--it's not even my stomach, it's my ribs! I just get so thick. There was a week that I actually wore that ONE pair of jeans 4 days in a row. How sad is that? It's not that I can't afford to buy new clothes. It's that I can't find a size 40x30 jeans and a 2XL shirt in our wonderful Central Mall. The stores that I generally shop in don't carry my "advanced" size in the store, but it's usually available on-line. I don't want to always have to shop on-line. Just because I'm heavier, doesn't mean that I can't or don't want to feel sexy/attractive/hott.
I am working on this problem. But we all want instant gratification. I've eaten better for the past three days, and done a bit of exercise, so why can't I fit into my size 38x30 jeans? I know it takes time. I know it's a long process. I've done it before. I lived a healthy/fit live for 10 years or so. I think that's what makes this process so difficult. I've been there, I've done it. When I was 19, I transformed my ALMOST 300lb body for flab, into a fit, tight 185. Yes, I was TOO thin at 180. I could fit into a size 31. I looked like a bobble head that you'd see stuck to the dashboard of Sharoniqua's Oldsmobile Delta 88. Eventually, I evened out at about 190-195. I lived there comfortably for 8 years.
I got lazy. I started eating again--ALOT. I got lazy. I met John. I got lazy. I fell in Love. I got lazy. I became part of a family. I got lazy. I hurt my ankle. I got lazy. I hurt my back. I got REALLY lazy. Things that were once important to me, took a back seat to other important things. I have an excuse every morning when the alarm goes off at "workout time". "I" wasn't important to myself anymore. I'm happy. I'm not depressed. I like my life. I just wish I wasn't fat.
I know things will get better. I just have to make sure that I make myself a priority again. I have to figure out how to make everything fit into the schedule. It's a delicate balancing act. I can do it.
I tried on those size 38 jeans earlier, and used our 12 year old's pony tail holder to fasten them--like a pregnant woman. I almost had myself convinced that I could actually wear them like that, since I wear an apron all day.
It's my journey. This is my life.
Thanks for listening. I feel better.
PJM
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Bring your bungee cord or parachute
Genuine.
Dictionary.com's definition: possessing the claimed or attributed character, quality, or origin; not counterfeit; authentic; real.
I had a client/friend tell me about a job interview she had. ( She had been working as an elementary school teacher, but had recently interviewed for a middle school position.) She told me that the interviewer asked her for one word that describes herself. We discussed how difficult it would be to come up with just ONE word. After a few minutes of silence, she asked me what my word would be. I said the genuine. She laughed and said that was her word, too. I considered her a friend before that day's appointment, but at that moment, I felt a stronger bond develop with her. We laughed and agreed that we'd use to describe each other as well. How many people can use, genuine, to describe themselves?
I tell it like it is, I call it my "brutal humor". I say what most people are scared to say. I've been described as not having a "filter". Two of my best friends started calling me "Cliff", when "I went too far". Nothing is off limits. I think--wait-- KNOW this comes DIRECTLY from my mother. She is, and always has been, a no-nonsense kind of woman. She fascinates me. She always told us/showed us, that we could come to her with anything without fear of judgement or punishment. (When I say WE, I am referring to my [much] older sister.) Just to give you an example: I was at Wal-Mart with my mom, and we were in the "feminine hygiene" area, and there was a woman reading packages. Mom chimed in and told the woman which one she liked, which one she didn't like, and WHY she didn't like it. The other woman seemed shocked and horrified by my mother's honesty. At that moment, I knew where "Cliff" came from.
OK, so now you are wondering WHY I've told you these things, right? I told you because it gives you some background about me. My blog is going to be a diary or journal for me. It's going to be about my journey BACK to physical health, mental well-being, and financial success. It will contain my brutal humor, which, like I said, goes too far sometimes. Read at your own risk.
My family, friends, and clients illustrate my life. I plan to use the stories and daily inspiration to highlight this exploration of myself. Don't worry, I won't broadcast any one's identity.
Sit back, relax, laugh (at me/with me) and enjoy my roller-coaster ride over the cliff.
PJM
Dictionary.com's definition: possessing the claimed or attributed character, quality, or origin; not counterfeit; authentic; real.
I had a client/friend tell me about a job interview she had. ( She had been working as an elementary school teacher, but had recently interviewed for a middle school position.) She told me that the interviewer asked her for one word that describes herself. We discussed how difficult it would be to come up with just ONE word. After a few minutes of silence, she asked me what my word would be. I said the genuine. She laughed and said that was her word, too. I considered her a friend before that day's appointment, but at that moment, I felt a stronger bond develop with her. We laughed and agreed that we'd use to describe each other as well. How many people can use, genuine, to describe themselves?
I tell it like it is, I call it my "brutal humor". I say what most people are scared to say. I've been described as not having a "filter". Two of my best friends started calling me "Cliff", when "I went too far". Nothing is off limits. I think--wait-- KNOW this comes DIRECTLY from my mother. She is, and always has been, a no-nonsense kind of woman. She fascinates me. She always told us/showed us, that we could come to her with anything without fear of judgement or punishment. (When I say WE, I am referring to my [much] older sister.) Just to give you an example: I was at Wal-Mart with my mom, and we were in the "feminine hygiene" area, and there was a woman reading packages. Mom chimed in and told the woman which one she liked, which one she didn't like, and WHY she didn't like it. The other woman seemed shocked and horrified by my mother's honesty. At that moment, I knew where "Cliff" came from.
OK, so now you are wondering WHY I've told you these things, right? I told you because it gives you some background about me. My blog is going to be a diary or journal for me. It's going to be about my journey BACK to physical health, mental well-being, and financial success. It will contain my brutal humor, which, like I said, goes too far sometimes. Read at your own risk.
My family, friends, and clients illustrate my life. I plan to use the stories and daily inspiration to highlight this exploration of myself. Don't worry, I won't broadcast any one's identity.
Sit back, relax, laugh (at me/with me) and enjoy my roller-coaster ride over the cliff.
PJM
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